I don’t talk often about spiritual things – in many ways I think personal struggles are best left unsaid. But this one is such a nagging problem that I decided to post about it nonetheless.
There is a situation at my office that troubles me. Last winter an admin was asked to quit (re: she was fired but was allowed to tell people she quit). She was completely unprofessional in every way and the head honchos did the right thing asking her to leave. Upon her departure, admin morale went sky-high (ok, really it was just Mare-Bear and me, but still – that’s 50% of the admins at my company). However, she has recently been back in the office because the owner of the company feels that Jenny, the amazing temp who replaced me while I was on maternity leave, has no personality and can’t relate to clients well. I heartily disagree – Jenny couldn’t be more competent, professional, sincere and wonderful. The original admin was incompetent, extremely unprofessional, rude and falsely pleasant.
But The Prez brought Old Admin back to work two days a week. Don’t get me started on the office politics that allowed her to come back – the history is too long and pointless to go into. But suffice to say, she’s back two days a week.
I’ve been under conviction since hearing about her return about my attitude towards this woman. I was always polite to her – but she knows that I don’t care for her much and is just as falsely considerate back to me. Therein lies my conviction. Part of me says, “Why be nice? She knows I don’t like her!” and the other part of me says, “Maybe you should give her a break and be truly nice to her and get rid of the resentment and bitterness over her return?”
The human side of me sits here at my desk while I hear her voice waft down the hall, anger building up ’til I begin mentally practicing my big, “This is outrageous, I quit!” speech. The spiritual side of me says, “Let it go – it doesn’t affect you to have her return – you are wasting an emotion that is so negative it’ll destroy you.”
Literally minute by minute I’m going back and forth. One side: go off on her; the other side: forgive her. One side: ignore her; the other side: befriend her. It’s one of the hardest struggles I’ve endured lately, because it’s so easy to fall into the trap of just despising her. Because by the time she was fired last December I truly despised her, although I never ever showed that to her (although Mare-Bear and I shared quite openly with each other about our enmity).
But isn’t it hypocritical of me to attempt to be genuinely nice to her while the anger still lingers? Of course I know it’s not – I know that if I’m genuine to her that God will affect change. I know I can pray for the Old Admin – but I also know I should be praying just as hard – if not harder – for my own attitude to change for the better.
It’s tough, folks. I’ll try and keep you updated on how things go. But so far the human side of me is ahead by a nose over the spiritual side of me. Hopefully that’ll change soon.